JE SUIS MALADE

i have been sick all this time. coughing whenever i talk or breathe deeply. im suspecting its cancer. and if it is. then so be it. we all die .. sometime. does it matter how. to me it doesnt. as long as its quick and not painful. incidentally i was scanning the news and came upon an artcile about erap bitching about his knees.

Estrada to leave Muntinlupa hospital: party spokesman
He said Estrada would wait for the final diagnosis, particularly on the condition of his knees, before requesting the court anew for a possible operation in the United States.

[max] who keeps tabs on erap. i vaguely remember he was taunting salonga to a fight. (in reference to his physical prowess against the withered philosopher). and how odd it is that he becomes sick and needing an operation a short while (a couple of years) later .. its not like his claimed "condition" grew up overnight. somethings smells ... and this happens to a lot of politicians, they get instantly sick when caught and needs pampering and leniency. ::bullshit:: ^_^

is the public assured of an objective diagnosis especially in suspiciuous circumstances like this. if it were a private physician the more reason to have a third party check up on him. is our country so poor and backerds that we cannot perform a standard operation on him? is this the kind of message he wants to convey. that we are not capable. and we wonder how come we dont feel as patriotic to the country as our people are to theirs. because our leaders ourselves dont exhibit nationalism. we get it from them then. to run to big brother whenever we have a problem. why are we still a country is a mystery.

the worst part of this whole display is that nobody seems to care ...

meanwhile, northern america prepares to celebrate holloween in a few hours. La etymologie. The mass held on All Saint's Day was called Allhallowmas, and the eve was known as All Hallow Even - All Hallow's Eve -- Hallowe'en --- Halloween. Some villages in the philippines do celebrate it. I dont see any harm. the kids enjoy it and so too some adults. France is beginning to celebrate it as well. Cepedant, je sais, there are a certain group of people who sees this as a cultural invasion and are steadfast on not participating. Culture to me is a living breathing organism. it grows. it eats. so if it were an "invasion", i rather it be in the form of halloween and things kids will enjoy, rather than something that is destructive. mais qui sais ..

DONC, IL Y A DIEU

im now on the fifth and final book of the clerics quintet series. it had been a long journey for cadderly and his friends. and im happy to be part of their little adventure. i will miss them when im done. at the moment, vampires had taken over the library and cadderly and his friends are on there way back to le biblioteque edificant.

speaking of clerics and deities. i was talking over a friend about the movie contact and the book which inspired the movie. i thought it (the book) had a good premise and a more than eloquent conclusion about the theory of existence of a god.

the conclusion (in the book, i cannot emphasize it enough because the movie made it all crappy i will explain why in a bit), was that the signature of a god is found in math and physics and in the exact sciences. that "everything" follows natural laws proves that there is an order in the universe. if there is order then there is intelligence. donc, il y a dieu.

on the other hand, in the movie which was popularized to appeal to the masses of brain dead consumers, i am grossly disappointed at how they treated the ending. it was too simplistic and cliched. jodie foster embraced faith. i remember exactly which scene, when everything she stood for collapse against her mental state of undeniable faith. i wanted to vomit after watching it. faith (as far as im concerned) is not a reason to believe but an excuse.

n'import comment, back to le livre, there is a good reason for me to put quotes on the word everything. because after skimming on einsteins theory on relativity, modern theories on quantum physics, the uncertainty principle, the chaos theory and the law of thermodynamics. it turns out that "everything", where newtons laws do apply, does not mean everything. which points to probable pockets in the universe that dont follow physics as explained by newton. but which on the contrary, moves and exists outside of what we can consider "order".

.. science unravels new things about our universe, which is in humanity's best interest, it allows us to further excavate new avenues of knowledge, towards the understanding of the elusive signature .. (or the anti thesis to the signature)

CIGAR

there were three of us in the game. four including jeff who was running the game. there was will a druid and then clint a bard. i played rodrigo an apprentice sorcerer. the story started slow as most games do. we were to investigate an archaeological site and "clean" it up for the archaeologists. several highlights on rodrigo. correct guess and first blood on the beholder. foiled attempt at daze. partial success at flare and magic missiles. the wand of skeleton summoning was a big help. but that was more of freebie from jeff. the guys are funny esp will. clint started out to be leader. then will took over after he figured out a mystery and also was able to talk to the naga woman down. but eventually we had to kill it.
clint was a serious player. him being the professional actor. and jeff reminded me of the serious DMs from laguna. and those guys, i remember, gave me the creeps.
karen, wills wife, didnt play but i think it would have been fun to have a girl in the playing group. i know sunshine of our group added a necessary flavor to the ultra male dominated party.

dinner on the first night was delicious. i especially liked the flavored meat. it was the first time i ate red meat cooked that way. it looked raw like from a japanese palette. it was good. all good. breakfast was equally delightful. i liked the warm tea. and also the gravy that came with the hamburgers and bacon.

i did feel a bit awkward over dinner and breakfast. i was clearly self conscious and probably preoccupied with jeff and will. unsure about how to act in front of strangers. and they dont seem to mind me being kindred. and i found it a little odd that i dont have to hide that part of me. jeff brought a huccah. its like a bong. and will had some weed. after a few drinks of liqour and couple of puffs of weed. i was wasted. its been a long time since i last smoked weed. im not sure why i missed it so. i slept earlier than everybody. another item of interest was i didnt know cigars are good. and it did have buzz cigarettes didnt have. so i might have to try it out by myself next time i go to walmart.

everybody was nice to say that i shouldnt have to leave the country if didnt want to. that youd think since ive lived here couple of years that id get to stay. unfortunately i dont live in a faery tale. and the reality is. i have to go back. 7 weeks to go from today.

"if you believe something is there, you will see something" - lochness monster episode, discovery channel. a perfect example of how people think. the same principle can be applied to the "pattern" people perceive about god and life and order in the universe. people believe something and so they see something.

L'AMOUR EXPLAINED

> biblical explanation of love - from xtians (as in my box was flooded with bible quotes) ^_^
> love vs the bubble gum theory - from the joker
> shakesperienne love - from a poet

[max prologue] this is an email i sent out with the other cebu folks who were participating in a forum and the thread was lead to the subject of love. i didnt want to go into a debate just like what happened to the weserv forum so i keep in check every word i say .. and make sure im proactive .. (means i dont directly negate anybodys opinion but rather i only add to the stacks of opinions). which leads me to think i made a mistake with the weserv group .. when i was trying to negate .. the opnion of others .. i wont make the same mistake .. hopefully ..

==========================

bonjour mes amis,
im not sure what this thread is about .. but if this is about emotional love .. im inclined to agree with this reasearch about emotions being physiological. which to me explains a lot about how we can manipulate a persons euphoria, perception, depressive states .. so on and so forth ..
rationally yours,
max

Scientists to discuss biological links to emotions
[snip] "We are discovering that many biological factors can contribute fundamentally to a person's emotional makeup. These factors may include lower activity in a specific area of the brain, elevated levels of certain hormones or a paucity of signal pathways between brain regions," says Ned Kalin, director of the Medical School's HealthEmotions Research Institute. [snip]

CRACKLING BALLS

its two pieces of stones covered with gunpowder. when you throw one up and then it collides with the other ball, it cracks like a firecracker. i never seen one before. but its like magic ^_^. it be great if i could show it to mon frere and to peepen and therese.

two friends called me up this weekend having very serious life problems and asking me for advice. i think i did a good thing by just aksing them questions and letting them decide what they really want. i felt drained right after. either that or it was the vodka. i was supposed to return the dvds to clint today and then play dnd with his group but it didnt push thru. i felt tired and sleepy.

and people were trying to contact me thru chat and i just didnt feel like talking .. i was tired. and i think im a little anxious for tomorrow. i was given a real PTR last week et although i am confident that i can do it. there is the uncertainty principle that i have to consider. that is in laymans terms ... you cant be absolutely sure of anything.

i drove the guys to church this morning. nothing has changed. i didnt feel anything in church.

i watched really cool movie - le pacte des loups. j'aime la femme itallienne. elle s'appelle est monica belucci. elle est tres gentil et beau ..

OFFICESPACE

after watching a very relevant and entertaining story about a group of friends in an IT company, the second time after a long while, i thought about the people ive met at my previous company and in particular at present. and i thought no matter where we go we always meet the same faces. the same stereotypes.

perhaps my greatest fear ... is to have "lived a trite and meaningless life".

- the yuppy. this is the man. the people in power. who sometimes mess things up and then relies/blame the programmers to fix their shit. they care more about promoting themselves rather than about the project or the techonology. they dont care if bad code is floating somewhere in the system. all she cares about is the output and how it would reflect on her reputation.

- miss happypants. she would always say hello or good morning to you in the morning, as part of her job, or part of her routine trying to please everybody. they dont have much to say about anything. except the little annoying stuff that dont really matter. like her hair or clothes or her shoes.

- the blessed sheep. this is the bible thumper who is in a crusade to convert the whole office into a his kind of church. i find them, most often than not, offensive and intolerant of people like me. and unfortunately (in the philippines). the workplace isnt set up to protect us from these kind of people. they are self righteuous and think of themselves perfect. they have the numbers, enough to influence the work policies.

- the philosopher king. the thinker. the real programmer.

- underdog. the blame guy. this is milton. this is the guy that everybody blames when anything wrong happens.

NMAKE Reference

NMAKE Reference The Microsoft Program Maintenance Utility (NMAKE.EXE) is a 32-bit tool that builds projects based on commands contained in a description file.

MANILLE IMPERIALISTE

"manille imperialist". ever since i arrived in cebu to work for lexmark, i have been constantly hearing the words "imperial manila" .. mostly from strangers or people i have just started to become friends with. in honesty, i think this is the first time ive ever heard of it .. until now. it concerns me .. the surmounting frequency of it being spoken suggests an urgency of an unraveling curiousity to which im not even sure .. has anything to do with me. i dont even live in manila. i live in laguna.

there are other things that were being put out in the open. about tagalogs having a penchant for superiority or are despicably proud of their cultural heritage. though i do not know how any of these things are in any way related to cebuanos. now, i am lead to believe there is a deeper ravine of worms from what i am seeing on the surface. and i am also beginning to suspect that this is part of a growing fatality as the country countinues to shrink .. as it steps into the 21st century.

i look at manila and cebu and it reminds me of the rivalry between states. (between new york and atlanta or atlanta and birmingham). the fundamental difference is, americans realize, at the end of the day, theyre all americans. most of the time i think the rivalry is healthy. this is i think absent in the philippines.

language. i knew when i decided that its going to be a definite transition to live in cebu. im not fluent in the vernacular. i substantially recognize the ideas when spoken in sentences and thought how hard could it be. mon pere is cebuano. and yet i never picked it up from him, none of us did. je sais ma mere est parlez cebuanne.. mostly because he was away abroad et ma mere, je sais, worked once in iligan (mindanao the deep south). ive always wanted to live in a laid back town. exactly like cebu where pollution is minimal and i could just about go anywhere i need to go in less than 10 minutes. the only problem i see and its very important. is finding like-minds.

"cebu is better than manila". this is repeated over and over, even if its i think out of place to say it ... that cebu is the best city. that cebu beats manila at many levels. pour moi le question dans le premier ville est subjectif. we have individual standards of what is a good city. for me it is distasteful (not to mention cheap). to go running around bragging about owning a new car to your neighbors. n'est ce pas? the best judge to say who is best is somebody from the outside, a non biased opinion. its ignorant for someone who hasnt lived outside of his/her comfort zone to give an informed decision. so for someone from manila to say manila is best city in the whole country or someone from cebu is the best city over manila. it borders ignorance if him/her havent been out of "their" cities. the best city i have lived on so far, although it was a short stay were the suburbs surrounding boston. the university towns of new england are all delightful. manila is congested with traffic and pollution. i have not lived in cebu long enough to know the ins and outs of the city. but so far so good. i like the food. i like the traffic. (although i noticed) most drivers dont follow the rules .. but this isnt local to cebu. its a national problem.

THREAD SIMPLIFIED

Ever had the need to have two threads execute at the same time? Simplified here. I would like to start with how it appears as if we already have everything in place. We are given thread A and thread B. threadA is inside a class CThreadA. while threadB is an average function fx( ). There are many ways to go about this. But I think this way explains how threads work the simplest.

CThreadA a;
CThreadB b;

a.StartThread( );
b.fx( );
a.EndThread( );

At this point "b" starts after "a". both are executed at the same time. Following is a simplified version of what class CThreadA might look like.

class CThreadA
{
   HANDLE   m_hThread;

   CThreadA(); 
   void StartThread();
   void EndThread();

   // NOTE) this needs to be static since all instantiations will be 
   // relying on this function to execute
   static DWORD WINAPI a(LPVOID lpParam); 
 
} // class CThreadA

The implementation of the functions of class CThreadA are as follows. There is one thing to note, if a( ) runs only once and doesnt need to be in a loop. You can get just get rid of the infinite loop defined in a( )

void CThreadA::StartThread()
{
   // create the thread
   // param - a is the name of the function to call when the thread is executed
   // param - "this" is the parameter used by CThreadA
   DWORD dwThreadID;
   m_hThread = CreateThread(
      NULL,0,a,this,0,&dwThreadID);

} // StartThread

void CThreadA::EndThread()
{
   // validate input
   if (m_hThread == NULL) return;
 
   // Something is wrong, terminate the thread
   if (WAIT_TIMEOUT == WaitForSingleObject(m_hThread,5000))
      TerminateThread(m_hThread,0); 
   
   CloseHandle(m_hThread);
       
} // EndThread

DWORD WINAPI CThreadA::ThreadFunction(
   LPVOID lpParam) 
{
   // get pointer to parameter
   CThreadA* s = (CThreadA*) lpParam;

   // set thread priority
   SetThreadPriority(s->m_hThread,THREAD_PRIORITY_LOWEST);

   // infinite loop 
   for(;;)
   {
      // remember to let go of processor every one/tenth second
      Sleep(500);

      // function goes in here

   } 
   
   // thread completed successfully
   return 0;

} // ThreadFunction()

FAV SONG

this song has many levels for me. listening to it and getting a high at the same time. death and letting go, just being free. my favorite part of the song is at the end .. the prolonged guitar sequence .. i thought it was cool. i find myself looking back at my life and how suffocated i was. and maybe i am still. im surrounded by suffocation. ma famille et mes amis et personnes au travaille. some are just around because they need me more than i need them.

Free Bird
Lynyrd Skynyrd

If I leave here tomorrow
would you still remember me
For I must be travelling on now
there's too many places I gotta see

And if I stay here with you girl
things just wouldn't be the same
For I'm as free as a bird now
and this bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can't change

Bye bye it's been sweet love
though this feeling I can't change
Please don't take it so badly
Lord knows I must play

And if I stay here with you girl
things just couldn't be the same
For I'm as free as a bird now
and this bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
and the bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can't change

TRIP

trip part 1

silvia divinorum. nothing happened. i felt sleepy. a huge disappointment since i thought amongst the stuff i got from holland this would be the most potent. maybe i didnt took enough. I chewed some and made tea of the rest. Lying on my bed that night, I was expecting fireworks. Nothing came. There was a point when I was concentrating to hallucinate that special day with A. I thought I saw some blue colors and some unfamiliar faces looking back at me. I got scared though and turned on the TV (which accdg to the article that came with the leaves, will kill the experience or make it worse - i could die from it). i am still undecided wether to pursuse this silvia divinorum stuff. maybe i should order more .. this weekend i will try one of those hawaiian mushrooms .. see if its any different.

trip part 2

i think im having a hangover from last nights trip with the seeds. i overdosed and felt i was dying. c'etait vraiment. i even wrote on a piece of paper who/what were important to me thinking if i were to die they would know that they meant something to me inspite of outside appearances. it was a ringing sensation far from what i expected. the article said it was LSD like but milder. and it wasnt at all visual and pleasurable like weed.

this is the letter i wrote. "i love mama i love papa i love ronnie i love ate i love kuya i love ruth i love lola help me! if i die i will go to hell i have been good i accept jesus as my personal saviour help me jesus mary help i will stop being bad just let me live thru this i promise i will stop abusing my body im sick help me 1:17am i took hawaiian woodrose seeds 10 of them help me E and A dont matter who cares im sick HELP ME"

clearly i was deliriuous. that only an intellectually weakened state of mind would produce such thoughts. i did mean what i wrote about ma famille. i love them. weed is by far the best .. non dangerous if taken properly substance .. ive tried

pretty cool movie - outside providence avec tim dunphy ..

PLATE

1. CodeToHTML - reusable classes, operator overloading .. this is an app which converts c and c++ code into html format.
2. Spelljammer - DirectX game developed using c#. this is more difficult thatn i originally thought. even though i had a copy of a template. to base my app from. there are details about the program that are still .. in the dark for me.
3. Clerics Quintet - Book 4. Cadderly managed to magically take away the dragons age, making it possible for danica (maupoissant), the dwarves ivan and pikel, and the firbolg vander .. to succesfully kill it. fren is the red dragon. abbalister is pissed and dorigen who appears to be my fav character in the series is having a reverse ethics of sorts of her own.
4. Thought about A and M. I miss A.
5. A cousin (whos migrated) visited the philippines recently, and mama says she was very critical or jsut being funny. it rained that day and she saw some local kids swimming in the .. excess water. she asked her mama .. what were they doing. obviusly condenscending and bit of sarcasm. i remember feeling the same way and i havent been out of the country that long. maybe its a natural repulsion for people who have gone out of the proverbial cave and have seen more of the world. recently, i have not felt like that. not anymore. i think realizing that im fated to live there .. for awhile .. helped me accept it for what it is .. the third world.

A LEANER + WISER BUREAUCRACY

i have a theory why the philippines is poor.

it begins with the capitalists, investing in a business. they provide jobs to people, the laborers. then consumers (this is the generic term for - capitalists and workers who) buy the products of the business, provide more capital for the business. enable it to grow (by hiring more laborers). if it were a song .. it would be like a broken record .. singin the chorus ..

[chorus]
more capital.
more workers.
more consumers.

the most important link in the chain is the capitalists .. based on how much freedom the entity is capable of. laborers earn their livelohood through the business. they have no choice but to work, to survive .. capitalists on the other hand dont need to invest. they have a choice.

EQUATION --> (capitalist :: laborers) == (capital :: production)

this simple cycle generates the capital and the income needed for a society to function properly. money just comes around. in theory as part of the equation increases, all parts are bound to increment as well. in real life though, there are other factors that negate these increments. sometimes, as in the case of the philippines. the equation is so out of balanced that .. society cease to function properly .. society suffers ..

what are these factors that warp the equation?

1. government. this is the entity responsible for making sure the equation remains balanced. I THINK THIS SHOULD BE ITS PRIMARY JOB. everything else will follow if the equation is balanced. simplistic maybe .. i have yet to see anyone else come up with a a better theory. the govt is the puppet master pulling the strings. it imposes taxes on the business, on the laborers, on the consumers. then the money undergoes a name change - to "national treasury", this is divided and distributed into the grand cojones of bureaucracy.

2. unknown. since im not an economist i have alloted an entity entitled unknown. which stands for things that arent part of the government, and yet negates the hypothetical increments introduced in our equation.

im thinking of a rubber tire, being filled with air. the air represents increments in our equation. the more air our tire contains the bigger it gets. thats how i see the philippine economy. a deflated tire. air has leaked out. through wasted govenrnment spending (sponsoring religion) and also the national debt. we wonder were the air goes .. its leaked deliberately to national debt and govt spending.

solution - decrease govt spending .. a leaner .. wiser .. bureaucracy.

THE "EVIL" ANGLE

i asked a friend how he felt about the war in iraq. and he said it was justified. i asked him why? he paused. then he said it was justified because saddam is an evil man. the same opinion was offered to me by ma mere and most people ive talked with. using the same line of thinking, i wonder, what would they say when asked about how they felt about the WTC attack. was it justified because the attacker felt the attackee was evil?

simplified we see the following equations

bush = terrorists
bush thinks saddam in evil = terrorists think US is evil
iraq = WTC victims

we need to give it some more thought about how we go about .. attacking a sovereign nation, that is way above our pride our fears. things like imminent threat which the UN came up with but was grossly put aside by les Etat-Unis claiming preemptive defense.

how do we achieve paix? .. now that we are right in the middle of it. le premier pay dans la orient (iraq) to fall to the hands of the west .. are we going to see the same history, the same sense of loss as we did .. as most of asia did .. when the same face of invasion arrived at our shores .. il y a 100 ans or so ...

DESIGN PATTERNS

DesignPattern
Each pattern describes a problem which occurs over and over again in our environment, and then describes the core of the solution to that problem, in such a way that you can use this solution a million times over, without ever doing it the same way twice. -- ChristopherAlexander

AmeliorationPattern
An amelioration pattern is a prescription for how to edit (i.e., rearrange, add and delete) an existing situation (represented by a pattern) to achieve some further effect or behavior. The existing situation doesn't have to be bad in the absolute sense, just bad in conjunction with the desired new behavior. In this sense, an amelioration pattern is transformational in character. It probably should describe how to transform from one (bad) situation or pattern into another (better) pattern.

AntiPattern
An AntiPattern is a pattern that tells how to go from a problem to a bad solution. (Contrast to an AmeliorationPattern, which is a pattern that tells how to go from a bad solution to a good solution.) A good AntiPattern also tells you why the bad solution looks attractive (e.g. it actually works in some narrow context), why it turns out to be bad, and what positive patterns are applicable in its stead. Accordingly to JimCoplien: an anti-pattern is something that looks like a good idea, but which backfires badly when applied. It's not fun documenting the things that most people agree won't work, but it's necessary because many people may not recognize the AntiPattern. [NOTE: Some discussion of this on ThreadMode, ProblemsWithDocumentation, etc. Look around, plenty of hand-wringing over this.] In the old days, we used to just call these 'bad ideas'. The new name is much more diplomatic.

Grey Pattern
Something that we don't know if it is a AmeliorationPattern or an AntiPattern.

Dark Pattern
Dark here in the Star Wars universe vernacular. I suggest that DarkPatterns are frequently encountered solutions to common problems which:
- are extremely seductive
- seem like the easy way to quick success
- but ultimately corrupt whatever good intentions led to their adoption

PARESSEUSE ET DESPERATION ET DIRECTX

"When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum."
- Anonymous

[lazy = paresseuse]
je deviens de plus en plus paresseuse depuis il y a deux semaine .. i thought it was just the weather .. it has started to become chilly. i thought about my life then living in the deep south. how i had found every excuse to complain where in retrospect. i had it good. n'import comment, that life is over and im in the middle of a new one. je sais, how it is sometimes when you get caught up with things that you loose sight of what is really important. au'jourdhui, i was talking to one of the guys heading the team and i miraculously found somebody i can agreed with. in terms of how things should be in the project. lesson: whats important pour vous is how we do the project. le methodoligie. and we should be looking for these rare avenues of interest as much as possible. bec. these make you happy.

[observing desperation: not a pretty sight]
it was also amusing to hear from an old friend from cwz. she managed to hold on to her legal status here. after all this time and i am happy for her. it is interesting to be the observer of whats happening rather than being in it. i remember feeling desperate and constantly having the need to prove myself beside the 'citizens', for a job. and ever since i have resigned to my fate, i feel im living an easier, better, and maybe even happier existence. i knew this hearing from this old friend. i got my validation hearing exactly what she was saying about how she needs to look for a permanent job, a better job. i was content and that is maybe the reason it was okey for me to let go of the american dream. i still dream .. but i had to put it off for now. all is not lost. i suspect my experience with the people in cebu .. would also prove fruitful .. in the end.

[directx]
heureusement, i found some directx tutorial and im working on developing a simple space invaders game. featuring the freinds i have fighting off their (what appears to me) greatest enemy. for example, in my case my greatest enemy is myself. so id be shooting down my enemy selves. or another example is obesity or success or loneliness. instead of invading alien ships, the hero would be shooting down abstract ideas. im also thinking of putting down secular activism in the game like .. intolerance sexisme egalité liberté et patati et patata .. im sure its not going to be appreciated by many .. but i think its funny .. to have a serious a topic played like a silly arcade game .. que pensez-vous?

^_^