THANKSGIVING

c'etait un bon weekend. everyone had somewhere to go to spend time with their families and friends. i went to a reunion with the plaridel folks up north, where the weather is noticeably colder. the wind chill alone brings down the temperature by a number. there were just a few who came. deni. bing, bong, kit, and denis friend victor.

every night, deni would prepare for us some mix drinks and a hefty dinner. we talked about politics, religion, ourselves, each other, people who werent present, the state of the country. this took the whole night. we would wake up the next day at midday exhausted. im refreshed cuz apart from my geeky friends, i dont normally have oppurtunities to engage and learn from, conversations with stuff im really into.

observation. chicago is very urban. i think im no longer adapted to living in a big city. it was too crowded and im afraid of the traffic. im also no longer interested at cocktail parties and bars and having a "good time", unless it is with a good group of friends. even in manila, i felt detached from the place. like i dont belong there. i miss the nights spent outside my apartment just looking at the stars. and wondering about a or e.

we visited downtown, lunch at the hancock overlooking the whole city, the institute of art where paintings and sculptures of renoir, van gogh, and other masters where displayed. the musuem park, and the stadium. the scene at the chicago river where julia and dermot rode the boat. the house of blues, the disORIENTed comedy place and more. it was a good visit. many indians and other middle easterners watched it with us. they were born here.

[writing freely] watching the small lights (below) from the plane before it touches down. it was easy to realize how insignificant everyone is. like looking at an ant farm. how are clouds formed? and how come they level off from each other like layers of cake. i watched the sunset from the window and wondered what happens if the plane followed the sunset in pursuit, will it be an endless sunset? what is it like to have six mois de jour ou six mois de noir? children of war @ the researchchannel.org. "only the dead know the end of war".

DINNERS

il fait tres tres tres froid. it didnt snow but bands of tiny snowflakes had formed over the car windows. the air is dry. it hurts my throat. i didnt want to get out of bed this morning. i wish i was back in bed sleeping. Zzz.

[pinoys] we were invited to dinner by gloria at her friends house who were also pinoy. gloria is the head housekeeper up at the fake marriott where i was staying. during dinner .. we ran out of food. she didnt anticipate that there were 30 of us coming i was a little embarassed for them and for us. the karaokee machine on the foyer doesnt work. and there was another karaokee machine inside one of the bedrooms. the pinoys clearly made it good here. some of the guys "sang". it reminded me of the good old drunken days back at fujitsu.

[gamers] clint needed somebody to accompany him back to will and karens place to celebrate. and im not usually one to turn down an invitation. it takes a little less than an hour to get to cynthiana, bypassing paris from lexington. it is a small town. everyone had to make a toast before eating. i went first (being the youngest). dinner was excellent. we had turkey (roasted - not deep fried), mashed and sweetened potato, carrots, spinach, stuffing, and gravy. i loved the gravy. pumpkin pie for desert. after dinner. we went downstairs, we played the talisman beside the fireplace. i was stuffed (like a turkey). the best part of it was i get to go home with a doggy bag. ^_^

TALISMAN. i played a priest. clint played a barbarian berserker. karen was a monk. will was a minotaur fighter. the game board was divided into the outer, the middle, and the inner regions. the goal was to get into the inner region and then on to the crown of command. defeat whatever it is behind it. depending on the adventure card you draw, the game can also lead the characters to other "places" (other boards) like the dungeon, or the mystic vortex, and other cities (which we didnt play that night). we ended playing close to 2am. karen won, defeating the dragon. clint was left fighting werewolves. will was trapped in the dungeons. and im out on the outer region. getting rich like any man of the cloth would.

3. reunion with plaridel. more later ..

circque du soleil. theyre amazing. i first heard of them from the simpsons which i d/l from the internet. they dont use animals. only people with extra ordinary ablities. they combined music theater opera acrobat into a colorful truly artistic ensemble. les cirque des etat-unis, pale in comparison.

[writing freely] thought about a friend who is sick of cancer. shes counting months or maybe even days. shes made a good and lasting impression on me. she helped me once, helping me start my credit history and do my taxes. she continues to help me. thinking about her, made my problems seem silly and small. jn had a heart attack (jn). and then jk has cancer. "Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyhow."- Elbert Hubbard

THESIS

researchchannel.org one of the professors was showcasing the different projects worked on by its students. one project caught my eye because it was close to the thesis, me and my friends worked on. unlike us, however, we didn't get any grants to fly us out to italy and work on the michaelangelo. they used the same laser line technology, we used to digitize the simple surfaces we created. i remember it took us half an hour to calibrate the camera, the real world coordinate system, and then plotted our feed onto the 2D screen coordinate system. their equipment is more improved. their output is a lot better too. graphics wise. c'est bizarre though to see them working on the same idea our adviser came up with 10+ years ago. ^_^

[writing freely] has become an occasional habit for me. i borrowed two bucks from dionie. and got myself a bag of pretzels and a soda. the pretzels are good. cuz theyre bite sized and it gives me something to munch on while at work. the weather has turned from bad to worse today. the temperature is expected to drop sharply a little over 11. i think its going to snow today (flurry). just in time where we are to pick up our per diem (probably my last) for the whole trip. another thing about writing freely. it isnt about being self absorbed. its about spring cleaning your brain attic of old and useless furniture. some go to retreats to do that. others, like me, write. what causes the phases of the moon? how come i didnt take molecular biologie or bio chemistry? i would also enjoy working on those fields. steve jardis president of alaska air was talking on tv. i cant help but admire successful (at work) people with brains. and then how i feel disappointed when my fantasies about people break down and they turn out to be something different. like say they werent at all smart or compassionate but shallow and selfish. i put people on a pedestal and they become statues. how am i going to deal with my fear of pretty people. is ronnie taking computer science only because i took it. just as my grand frere took ECE because mon grand soeur took it. i looked at the graduate programs available at san carlos and san recoletos. san carlos is rumored to be the best school in the region. i will meet a lot more people there for sure. i wonder if they also have french courses. installed warcraft and played the bonus campaigns. orcs rule!

DEUX SEMAINE

a package arrived yesterday, from mama, even though i told her not to go thru with it. je retourne à (home) en deux semaines. i wanted to be all packed a week early and i am already out of space (baggage). i will have to let go of some clothing. starting with those crazy clothing which shrink right after a wash.

papa wrote and asked me to get some bible related booklets for him. im being paranoid, sensing a malicious plot to have me read them. if it is so, then i will be very very .. and very dissappointed. the least i expect from him is to have him tell me how to run my life. i will have a serious talk with him when it does become a plot.

started writing down verb conjugations. there are several. 5 at the minimum. there are
-ER , -IR, -ER, stem changing verbs, and irregular verbs. there are verb categories which i wont be dealing with un ce moment. not to mention adding tenses to the verb. the nouns alone have several rules attached to it. les nom and nombre.

+ movie: powder. about a guy who appeared to have overstepped evolution, thru no fault of his own. its also about how people react with fear and distance to the unknown and different. while others will have reacted with curiousity and acceptance. tolerance have physical boundaries. about hunting which might set some people off. i have a friend who is all into hunting and im sure he wont appreciate this movie. on this issue i am still undecided. my favorite part was when he exploded and became part of everything.

+ movie: the two towers. better than the last time i saw it. the transfer sequences were more smooth. the story more flowing. smeagol was pitiful. and i think im a lot like him. i also loved the kingdom of rohan. and the wise and poetic ents (like treants) of farangorn forest. of the long lived dunedain men, and the shieldmaidens of rohan. women being able to bear arms like men. the war at the end of the movie .. the whole movie .. just blew me away .. my favorire part was eowyns love for aragorn.

i thought about living in a small town. the post office at the end of south broadway. the steep hill going up to l'apartement. the country chicken place where i used to regularly get food (to go). the mexican place, right beside it, at the corner of "downtown". the causeway connecting another small town (georgetown) to it. the old a dilapitated house along the state route. the murky lake in between. there is going to be a short reunion up in chicago next weekend. it is thanksgiving. and the week after that is .. byebye time. i hope the bad weather lets off by that time. i hate travelling on bad weather.

LE RAPTURE

The Rapture. i havent seen the movie, but it is pretty clear from the different reviews i have attached here. i wont enjoy it. if i hated matrix for its religious undertones, this movie takes it to a whole new level. some fundamentalists would certainly get excited over this. its a validation of their own experiences and beliefs. just as i get excited over star trek or the movie heart of the beholder or watching showtime and hbo.

watch south park. last nights episode was about the mormon religion.

"sometimes .. people dont know whats best for them" .. this is from the movie heart of the beholder which is based on a true story about a certain group of xtians who harassed a family, who owns a rental business, for renting out The Last Temptation. fanatics (i call them true believers) have a natural tendency to overstep their boundaries. well just a couple of days ago, and lord knows (for lack of a better expression), i try to be cordial and accepting of these people, they invited me over to their churches. its offensive and i remind myself that i dont have to do anything.

rolling stone review of the movie le rapture
[snip] The Rapture isn't art -- it's misery.

it was at this time, last year, that i lost my job and i was having anxiety-like attacks (getting sleepless and regularly waking up at 3 en le matin) about going home. it had everything to do with feelings of failure and how to cope with it. mama told me once she read the following quote from reader digest ... it helped me to adjust my attitude towards this particular experience.

"want what you have .. and you will always have what you want"

there is no escape to comparing ourselves to other people. we are social beings. we could, however, also think about what are really important in life (the essentials). as i have learned from friends who have bigger problems than me (terminal sickness, recent breakups, out of work, having no direction, etc ..). things, i consider as real essential, family + friends. ( + life partner ). life partner (maybe i am only being in denial in saying this), is only optional.

LES MEILLEURS JEUX DE PC

www.g4tv.com its a cable channel dedicated to pc and console games. i dont think we have it back home. i got the idea from this channel to list down the best games i ever played (on the pc). criteria being in which i spent the whole weekend or a bunch of hours playing without sleeping for months. surprisingly, i came up with a very short list even though i have been around for quinze ans already.

[strategy] warcraft, diablo, starcraft. i liked the graphics on these games. they were the top mplayer game(s) for a long time (maybe a decade) until MS and other game companies copied the idea and came out with a smorgasbord of mplayer strategy games of their own. which i think saturated the whole genre.

[governance] civilization/colonization, simcity/simtown, defender of the crown, master of orion, ancient art of war, war at sea. the thinking mans game. because it deals with war, economics, and politics.

[arcade] archon. it plays like chess where each piece have its own unique ability. when a piece engages another, both pieces are transported into an arena where they will fight each other to the death. whoever massacres the other players pieces first wins.

[adventure] leisure suit larry. kings quest3. i liked these games because it was the first time i played a game where i was under the impression that the game might be smarter than me. modern games now emulate AI by introducing real live players as characters in the game. for example neverwinter nights.

looking at the list. ive found out that there is a central theme to what i say about what a good game is. it has to have a good and original premise. if youve noticed that after blizzard came out with the mplayer strategy format to their games much of what came out later where not as huge as their predecessors. this is because gamers are able to see the formulas to the game and we badly need new ideas. new formats. new formulas.

UN FILM INTELLIGENT

good will hunting. mind blowing film. i liked it so much i wrote down the things the movie was saying.

- the bottomline. what do you want to do. THE question, that matters, we will ask ourselves in our death beds. did we live life to the fullest.

- mankind vs the self. a paradox. the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few according to spock. and yet robin is saying - the self takes precedence over anything/body else. it doesnt feel right to swing fully to one side or the other. there will come a point where we will need to make that choice. which would it be for you. (you or your family)

- would you sell your soul to corporate america?

- noble professions. car mechanic. layering bricks.

- intimacy love regrets. its not about you being perfect, neither is it about him/her being perfect. its about if both of you are perfect for each other.

- friends and their role in my life. college was a confusing time for me. and if it werent for my friends. i think i would be dead. they have saved me countless of times. although oon the bad side, we become so used to having our friends around, it becomes a crutch to hide behind personal growth. they become part of our personal comfort zone, so we no longer bother to look elsewhere. there is a danger of becoming stagnant like a dead river which no longer flows .. true friends would not let this happen. this is the way out, a true friend would seek for you to move on and grow as a person.

- waste of time. to educate the masses

- growing up and experiencing new things

- moving on with your life beyond your friends

- loyalty and friends

- intelligence and arrogance.

- the politics of oil and war, republican agenda and america

- true success. as the mob, people dont want to admit it, but that they do measure success in terms of the number of houses they have managed to build. or the number of cars they have parked in the garage, or the number of medals they have won in competitions. it is not so difficult to arrive at this conclusion when the mob has expectations of comfort and convenience, the easy life that these things bring. but the movie was poignant to point out though, that being rich is not everything. that success is personal.

- et c'est mon tres preferee .. "its not your fault" .. bizarre, n'est ce pas? this is the voice of reason reaching out to the battered soul of someone who had been in the storm for so long.

LES CHEVAUX

horse park. i have been to a few zoos. this horse park definitely takes the cake, it was refreshing to see real live animals and also be able to pat them. i think kirby is the largest animal i patted. there was also the clydesdale, the belgian, and the andalusian, were among the several horse breeds they had at the barn. clydesdales being the one which made the most impression on me. something about them reminded me of the giant vikings of northern europe (A). i think gandalf rode a clydesdale in the movie LOR. the weather was clammy which made the grounds too soft (muddy) and dangerous for the horses to run on. and so the tour was limited to short walks around the barn. my favorite part were the insightful discussions on each of the breeds living within the barn, where they came come, what is unique about them, and some anecdotes. and then there was kirby who is the second biggest horse in the park. jerry is the biggest but we didnt get to see him. kirby is huge. there was a blackmith who demonstrated to us how to put a horse shoe. c'est tres interresant. it was nice. something you dont get to see everyday. you also get to pat the horses. they look at you, as if self aware, appearing very intelligent even for an animal. it is no wonder that older religions held horses with high esteem. they are noble animals ...

some friends were wondering why i chose to get a job away from manila. why cebu? i remember during that time i also had another offer at emerson (K's company). it was a better offer because it had assignments in europe and in the states. i remember being desperate for a job. having been out of work for six months. and lexmark was the first decent company to give me an offer. emersons offer came in too late. aside from that, i wanted to get away from manille. too many memories, too many disappointments. this is my way of dealing with past failures. i live with it. try to be vocal to ease the tension inside me .. i try to earn new experiences to cover it all up.

a friend of m's came over to lexington to visit last weekend. she was, and i didnt think it was still an issue, a graduate of ateneo and assumption. i dont know the circumstances leading up to this discovery, but i think it was her incessant need to brag. her broken collegiala english was the surest sign, in my book, that she was a fake. the few people, ive met, from manila are like that. fakes. in the kindred community (of the turd world), there are a lot of fakes too. the few ive met. there were a handful who were real people. and this is another thing ive come to expect. that there are instrinsic differences in social cultural (and yes even in rpg gaming) activities of people from both sides. its just the way things are.

i was invited to play again at c's apartment. but the invitation came after i knew about m's visit. and so i need to take a rain check. in retrospect i wasnt really interested to play. i was at the start, because it was something new.

r was warning me about making generalizations about the gamers of the turd world. he has a strong point. and it would be ignorant for me to say otherwise. i think the best way
to deal with this is to stress our primary premise. that everything said are strictly applicable only to an admittedly limited area of max' experiences. it is after all .. seulement mon journal.

Le TROISIEME JOUR

i awoke late but felt good all over. c'est le troisième jour (of not smoking). c'est une jour importante parce que it is during this time that the obstacle becomes very imminent. and it would take every ounce of willpower to overcome. i prepared another batch of warm water and green tea if ever i felt the urge again. c'est encore vendredi. aujourd'hui est "crispy". il est tres beau un jour, et certainement. j'irai visite mes amis (dnd) le dimanche. amusingly refered to as my imaginary friends by the cebu folks.

the trèmere warned me about my unceasing comments of the "other" people. of which i have been talking about a lot cette ans. to be judgemental, self righteous, to see oneself profound and superieur. characteristics which i deeply despise from other people. and now it seems i have turned into that thing i hated. promoting a subjective point of view. this is a curious lesson in life. now more than ever do i appreciate the wisdom of the trèmere.

which gave me time to think about the possibility that what i write, could just be me venting my fustrations about the world i live in. that i dont truly think what i write. which i think i am allowed to do. it is my blog. nevertheless i have to take the trèmere's warnings into serious consideration. i will have to be more careful. i will keep a leash on venting unnecessary innuendos and remind myself of the dangers. we will have to keep everything objective.

ive sensed several kindred au bureau. M,A,J .. et des autres i forget the name. neither am i interested to get to "know" them except maybe M. je pense, we are similar in a lot of ways besides being kindred.

what is going to happen .. US will occupy iraq like they did the philippines until civil society become willing pawns. the english language will be introduced to the system. its native culture and identity will be screwed up as a result. younger and future generations will look up to the americans for every problem. the US will endorse (install) political leaders which they can control. governance will revert back to feudalism and then turn into an oligarchy. as the west gains a stronger foothold in the region. the arab nations will start to fall. we already see it in the saudis. in turkey. and in israel .. soon there will be nothing left. china .. is our last hope.

LE MATRIX

things i loved about it

1. software having emotions. like their organic counterparts. i see humans as being only a complex collection of smallers machines. and that we are similar (en fait) to our creations. we are by nature mechanical.

2. i liked the idea of humans creating machines creating humans. it is a plausible conclusion to man's technological evolution. neo being the latest generation of created humans.

things i hated about it

1. the indian girl. somebody suggested that she is the template of innocence. which probably is what i hated about her. her presence ruined the whole facade of hopelessness. hopeless is goooood. i might have needed somebody to blame in the movie and she was an obvious target.

2. neo the saviour. neo bringing salvation to mankind. the obvious connotations of religion (judeo xtian) bothers me, afraid that it could result into fanatics bringing back the religious fervor of the medieval ages, of the colonies, and pre rennaissance europe. (or as some people put it. naprapraning na naman ako ^_^). star trek, for example, helped a lot into secularizing society. and if i am right about this movie being a religious agenda, there is no stopping them from .. de-secularizing it.

3. the defense perimeter of zion was sloppy. if they were capable of EMP (electro magnetic pulse?) technology installed on their ships. i dont see no reason why they cant have installed the same technology around zion. like a wall of EMP ..

4. oracle .. i think the actor change was not part of the original script. and if it was .. it doesnt make sense to me. what did happen to the original actor?

5. the cheesy one liners were very annoying. we already have erap .. and the terminator .. we dont need another ..

6. i was irritated at people who were "okey" with it. i think it's just me and a bunch of geeks who werent (okey with it). this is my consolation, that my friends did hate it too .. hehehe a validation of our collective paranoia, no doubt. like minds think alike. (redundant?)

tabagisme

c'est un mot bizarre. and is most likely a mistranslation. it means nicotinism, which isnt the word i was looking for, but im alright with it for now. i had to change what i originally wrote because of two things .. first, it unnecessarily offended another friend and second, it made no sense.

i used to run years ago during the A years. especially when the weather allowed it. c'est une bon soir (to run), il y a deux semaine. while i havent made it passed the stairs, i was already gasping for breathe. i was clearly .. je suis malade. tres tres malade.

luckily last weekend, it was raining. that kept me from buying a pack (across the street was a convenient store). i held out for three days. then it became very difficult. i became fidgety, my hands felt clammy. in short, i failed on the third day. i think very few people understand how difficult it is to stop. it is an addiction. (this means people will have withdrawal symtoms) as opposed to smoking weed which from scientific evidence, is not addictive, contrary to popular myth.

list reasons to stop?
1. health. id like to run like i used too.
2. not so much about dying, as it is about the excrutiating pain that leads to it.
3. waste of money and resources. better to just give it to charity.
4. willpower. to prove people wrong

i told a few friends about my plan. and i got an instant pattern in their responses. people wouldnt know what to make of it. resorting to jokes == an inability to face something seriously. which i am okey with, since i expected no more from people of that side of the planet (the turd world). otherwise, i was met with sympathy. which is also good.

i will be slipping more often, than i can anticipate. i will have to remember why im doing this. i have to be healthy for me to be able to help people. i realized this talking to R and his depression. that it could be a very powerful motivation. this i find to be one of those things. its common sense and yet .. few people ive met talked about it.

FX

Q: a friend asked me .. could the mass transit system in the turd world get any worse, this was after riding a full packed bus with leaks.

A: mass transit does get worse. you know how much the FXs charge passengers these days. colorum pa yan. that means they dont have the proper license to do business. (means they dont pay the govt like the rest of us do). passengers dont have much of an alternative. so they just deal with it. 9 out of 10 of them FXs have fake A/Cs with make shift fans to act as A/C ... it doesnt stand up to the tropical heat (its literally a can of sardines) and they turn the A/C down to save gas. then pretend everything is okey. its false advertising and people are forced to buy because theres no other option. the public is powerless and hopeless. theres no sense of propreity. not even from the government which i think has the responsibility over this. imagine having to deal with that going to work everyday .. i remember paying the driver 60 pesos .. then he had this funny look on his face .. like a smirk. like he had us. i wanted to blast him off the face of the planet. p*tang na ... talaga .. pilipinas ... (breathe in breathe out) .. (inhale exhale) .. ok na ko .. i think thats enough negativity for the day .. ^_^

les gaffes

c'est difficile de croire que nous sommes novembre ... one more month to go then i have to leave the states. feeling the familiar anxiety i felt the first time when i had to go back. ive been talking to a lot of people. i am convinced that i dont belong back there. and that i belong here.

n'importe comment .. "dating is like riding the bus. if you dont like it, you get off" - source unknown

this is a picture of a century old cemetery (euf) east of the lake. there are a few graves which survived. located across the expanse, were unmarked graves which to slaves.

i got this from an old friend who is currently dating a new guy. she insists that its not a date but from all appearances .. it is sooo a date. im wondering why it became such a big deal for her, dating and intimacy, when we see it everyday on tv (reality tv), at work outside, everywhere. you'd think that everyone should be able to find some kind of reference from all this input and be able to work from that.

malheuresement, i think i share the same anxieties about dating (like my friend has). even if it was a date with someone who i didnt really care for. and much more if it was with someone who i really liked. there was one time, but even then i think i wasnt really enjoying myself. it was more like being caught up in a rush and youre not aware of the details of whats really going on. im saying its not as simple as hollywood potrays it to be but neither should it be too complicated. seeing that the "masses" are adept at it.

obviously, im not a dating person. i think i spent more time at home in front of the pc than anyone else i know. if not with the pc, im with a good book to read. so it wouldnt be such a surprise to look back at my dating history and find a very short list (a.k.a - a list of seriously embarrassing blunders).

- junior high prom. took my sister and have her pose as the neighbor.
- senior high prom. mikec brought a date for me. i call her ms braindead.
- college1. doing the whoopie with a stranger in the rice field.
- college2. ms dark matter. "am i pretty? will u love me?" she asked.
- aftercollege. E for two weeks
- work1. S for two weeks.
- work2. N for 3 months tops.
- states. A pour une parfait ans. (we didnt actually date)
- states. some ... prehistoric old .. people
- states. P, the nurse, for 2 months with lots of spaces in between

JE SUIS MALADE 2

i meant to go to chicago this weekend with the other cebu folks but this morning i got really sick. the coughing continued. i thought its better if i rest this one out. i finished reading C5. it was a good book (not great like raistlin and his friends, but good). had a scary ending with the vampires taking over the library. and my favorite character, dorigen dying. pikels sha-la-la was the funniest. i have to ask if that was possible to be in a descrated place spells no contact with a clerics deity? i know ravenloft was like that. i want to know if that is the rule or just a side effect of the chaos curse.

although i felt repulsed by rufo, in the end, esp when he captured danica. i felt i was closer to rufo than anybody else in the book. even dorigen who was my favorite didnt came as close in personality, at the least. rufo had self esteem issues. it was clear from the start comparing himself to cadderly who had it "easy" for him. and then cadderly getting the girl, danica. when rufo did capture danica, rufo was claiming his love for her. and she poignantly pointed out his flaw, his shallowness. and i thought could i have been guilty of the same?

looking at Es pictures. i felt the tugging sensation, the null (if null was an emotion, a feeling, i think this is it) it is distant now, a river dammed long ago, it is still there. then i thought about A. and wondered how come i havent heard from in a long time. i will have to get used it as i have with my other burdens. i have to get used to them all.

i cut my hair by my self in the bathroom. it felt urgent that i had to do something last night. to occupy myself since im finished with C5. i dont knowhow it looked like from the back. but in front it looks ordinary.

i got another validation over my dreadful experience with the witches (Deana and Kathlyn) from a friend. I had so wanted to write them a letter, thanking them for making me feel so welcome when i first came here. The validation proved to me that i wasnt doing anything out of the ordinary. and that i was basically, a good person. that is strike 3. three independent witnesses telling me I was in the right all along. and so I feel much better now.