ma première herbe

art exhibit ng kaibigan ko .. mariano ching .. si "nano" ay kaibigan mula pa ng kolehiyo. isa syang pintor. kaya ganon na lang ang aking ingit sa kanya. dahil may tapang syang ipagpatuloy ang pagpipinta. on se demande ce que le titre de l'exposition signifie - nous n'avons pas peur de toi et nous allons battre ton cul. on se demande aussi combien d'argent un artist gagne après une exposition. je devine que ça depends sur combien de peintures il reussi à vendre. i was happy to see some old friends from college.

qu'est-ce que tu penses des oeuvres? surrealistic. apocalyptic. i do not know what they mean. i find that there is an over all sense of loss, adrift, a shell of a once prosperous and lively past. now its nothing more but empty machinations. without question we go about our daily routine. but is this living .. ? but i might be over analyzing it .. héhéhé .. ikaw ano ang opinion mo ..

it would be nice to bring some vampires with me to the exhibit. kiks et ton copain qui voudraient aller avec moi, j'ai l'intention de les emmener à l'exposition. it would be a social experiment. how will my human friends react to the presence of vampires. will they make the connection? bahala na .. héhéhé ..

Name: We are not afraid of you and We will beat your ass
Start Time: Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 6:00pm
End Time: Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at 9:00pm
Location: West Gallery SM megamall
City/Town: Mandaluyong, Philippines

as soon as i could afford it i left my parents house and tried to build a life on my own. i wanted desperately to be independent. i moved far away. i was trying to get away from .. the past. i had no friends and no one knew me. i was dating a divorced with a kid nurse from a city nearby but it was nothing serious. i had a roomate who was also a colleague at work and this guy was some sort of connoisseur in weed.

one day, i accidentally saw him rolling himself a stick and he offered one to me. i remember seeing bags of it hidden in small vases in his bedroom (how i managed to get in there was a long story and it happened moths later when he was no longer around). as usual, i politely refused. that afternoon though, he planted in me that seed of curiousity which nagged on me as days and months went on. i was intrigued by marijuana from watching films. i imagined it would be a very pleasant and sensual(?) experience. i am not sure how i managed to equate smoking weed and sex but i was then, by this time, determined to try it. i wanted to pretend that i was a true libertine - a free spirit.

i discovered that there were a couple of others at work who also smoked weed. they would have regular weekend get togethers. i started to ask questions. one fateful afternoon, we were gathered at our desks discussing politics which dominated the airwaves with debates of legalizing medical marijuana (how we lost in nevada remains a mystery - another time perhaps). and one of the guys understood my curiosity offered to sell me some later that night. i couldnt believe it!! i was finally going to experience the "high" people had been bragging to me about.

later i drove to their apartment to the outskirts using a crudely drawn map. i was quickly let in and i waited at the foyer and had casual chat with his wife. while he got the merchandise from somewhere further inside. when it was handed to me i didnt know what to do with it. i hurriedly put it inside my backpack. it looked just like a bag of dried leaves.

it WAS a bag of dried leaves. i convinced myself.

200 bucks for 50 ounces of it i paid (not sure about the amounts here as this happened quite a long time ago). i remember feeling the couple had wanted me to stay longer and share. fire up a couple and smoke right then and there with them. but knowing exactly what would happen if i do that (a complete disaster as im all new to it), i hurriedly expressed that i needed to be somewhere and quickly drove off.

back at the apartment, i rolled one big stick. i was almost half way when i felt stupid and senseless for nothing was happening. i googled for how to smoke weed and even felt worse. i must be doing something wrong. i remembered my house mate kept a cigarette machine where you can substitute stuffing in tobacco with weed. i tried that. i ran a dialogue. i taunted myself to stop but i knew i wouldnt because it felt good to do something thats bad. i wanted to be a bad boy but i couldnt be in real life. and besides whats one stick. im a big boy. i can take care of myself. i puffed deeper. i tried to hold on to the smoke as long as humanly possible before exhaling. and then on my third or fourth puff. the world opened up to me.

my movement and breathing slowed down. it became pronounced. i could have inhaled all the air in the room. i waved my hands in front of me. they were blurred. i looked at my surroundings every seemed profound but at the same time i had a hard time focusing. i was ecstatic at the thought that i was successful. so this was the "high" people were saying. i finally understood how a person could become addicted to it. i went to the bathroom and saw my reflection in the mirror. my eyes were red. i then proceeded to the fridge and took some light beer.

it was a different kind of pleasure. a tingle. like the first kiss with that cute school mate you have been obsessing about forever. i thought also that it was better than sex but only because i am terrible at sex. i drank beer for maximum effect. i wanted it to keep going. i wasnt sure how long it would last. i wanted to get the most out of it. i became hungry. i drove out to get a bucket of chicken. there was no sense of danger. i felt indestructible. in retrospect, this was very dangerous and completely irresponsible. i could have ran over someone. or i could have had an accident. i drove thru the fastfood. the girl behind the fastfood window immediately noticed my eyes. i tried to hide them beneath my cap. i felt relieved making it back to the apartment without incident except the constant forgetfullness and self reminder of what i was currently doing. another important symptom. forgetfullness.

i felt like i was in the ocean. i was swimming, making my way back to my room after i ate all the chicken. i thought i should smoke smoke some more weed and see what happens. but even if that was it, i was fine. i was contented. back in my bedroom i put on some art films, and began pleasuring myself. i was convinced then that it was better than actual sex. i imagine how it would be like being high and then having actual sex. but this has never happened to me to this day.

oh one more important thing .. since i have decided to quit smoking (cigarettes). im smoke free for one year and a month already. i breathe better. i have less oppurtunity to smoke weed as well. my friend who brought over some seeds from abroad is growing herself a pot. if she throws a party and im invited then i get to smoke weed. otherwise i do not feel any craving. plus i know it is illegal and dangerous here in the philippines.

le tournois de DOTA

j'arrive tôt vers 18h00 à SM Megamall. premiere, j'ai pris mon diner par moi-même au resto japonais et après, j'ai passé à Villeman (Cyberzone) avec kiks, vincent le frere de kiks, anggo, et lolo le copain de kiks. l'équipe au coeur pur. héhéhé. j'étais ZEUS, seigneur d'olympe. bien que nous avons perdu le jeu. c'était cool parce que je me suis rendu compte que j'ai peut-être trouvé de bon amis.

team 1 = aiushta (vincent), viper (kiks), mangix (lolo), abaddon (anggo), zeus (max)
team 2 = sven (tuh), kardel (bandwidth), rasta (james), silkwood (bob), razor (evs)

(noob, newb, newbie) refers to a neophyte. in DOTA speak, it is someone who is either is a beginner or someone whose game play is like one. normally when someone calls out noob, it is derogatory, an insult akin perhaps to the term "nigger" but is regarded as a term of brotherhood (highly unlikely though) when shared amongst friends. here are some DOTA tips for noobs by a noob (me).

1. DOTA has two teams. The Sentinelles (left bottom camp) and The scourge (right top camp).

2. There is only one way to end/win the game. For the sentinelles, they need to destroy the dark crystal located at the Scourge camp. For the scourge, they need to destroy the life tree located at the Sentinelle camp.

3. Each player chooses her héro. There are many héros to choose from. Normally, you can pick one from the stock of heros from both Sentinelle or Scourge camp. Once the héro is picked. It is exclusively yours for that game.

4. There 3 basic types of héros - Intelligence (sorciers), Agility (stealth, assassins), and Strength (guerriers)

5. Team play plays a large role in winning the battle, compensating each other's strengths and weaknesses.

aside from the basic types of characters based on their primary ability (Intelligence, Agility, Strength). héros can also be classified under the following types. in a team game, some theorize that a healthy mix of these types of heros make an unbeatable team. a good combination of heros is what makes or breaks the game.

1. pusher - means the héro has immense advantage in pushing a lane forward. (ezalor, broodmother)

2. nuker - means the héro is capable of dealing heavy damage to multiple targets in an area. (kristal maid, venomancer, lich king)

3. disabler - means the héro is able to arrest another heros capability to move, to cast spells, to attack .. etc .. (example: silencer, le roi nerubien)

4. tanker - means the héro is able to withstand huge amounts of damage without dying. (tiny, centaur warchief)

5. harasser - means the héro is able to make small successive attacks to an opponent without or little retaliation rendering it helpless. (dryad, dwarven sniper)

i may have forgotten to put other categories here. or i might be completely off about some of them .. if i am, just remind me .. n'ayez jamais peur

je les appelle LE couple idéal comme jennifer anniston et bradd pit pendant les années quatre-vingt-dix (1990s). je suis sorti avec les gars de bm. nous avons pris notre diner. j'ai assis et les ai regardé de l'autre côté de la table en buvant mon panaché (du sprite et du bière). ils sont les deux beaux et ils sourient et rient comme des anges. je voudrais les regarder. j'ai commencé à penser des pensées impur. mais je m'a arrêté jusqu'a je suis arrivé chez moi. j'ai pensé que je voudrais ça. un relationship qui fondé sur l''amour et pas de juste désir sexuel. quelque chose que survit un longtemps sinon pour toujours.

le cauchemar VSFLEXGRID

comment est-ce que je me sens aujourd'hui ..

i dont like compliments especially if its about how i look. i see myself in the mirror and i dont like what i see. i see someone who has abused his body beyond recognition. i was never beautiful to begin with unlike my siblings. i have always been the odd one, the ugly one, over the years i made it worse until i am what i am now -- a hidieously deformed creature. there is a word i would use .. it is the NOSFERATU. and i quote "the most visibly cursed of all the kindred" .. it strikes me as odd then that some would mock this truth. i have admitted it to myself a long time ago that i am ugly. and in this admittance i have freed myself from the trappings of vanity. i am no longer a slave to the lies we tell ourselves everday, everytime we go out of the house pretending to be something we are not. we pretend because we want other people to accept us. i only need to accept myself. that is all that matters. eventually we start to believe the lies. but in the end, these lies will kill us. the truth will gnaw its way out sooner or later. and the process as i have seen and experienced is excruciating. then there is joy after. the joy of being free.

people would mock me. they cant believe that i am single when i am so beautiful. but i easily see passed it. and it is so easy. it is so easy to believe the lies. i am not beautiful. i am even proud to be ugly. the lies are like a drug. it might feel good for a time. but later when you get used to it. you will ask for more. until such a time when even more is no longer enough. by then you would be so addicted to it. you would be willing to give up anything just to hold on it. but not me. i know the truth. being ugly is not the end of the world. in fact, we outnumber them. the beautiful people ... so if there is anybody who should feel alienated. it should be them. isnt it that right .. my precious ... that is right ... ::strokes a ring:: (the one ring that rules them all) ..

partouser? this will depend i think on how you approach sex in general. if sex is just a physical activity. a threesome or an orgy would be a test of strength and endurance like running a marathon. where you struggle to get to the finish line. then feel an overall sense of elation, of victory, pride?, and satisfaction. but if you are someone who views sex as something .. more emotional. a spiritual connection between beings. then it would be a religious experience. it would be like reaching heaven (nirvana) or being part of it. depends on how view spirituality. for a regular joe. i believe he would have to come to terms with sharing not only his own but of his lover's body to someone else. to another friend. and then sometimes a complete stranger? there are no rules that exist except those that were created in the relationship. if the relationship had been open. then an orgy might must likely be tolerated. otherwise had it been exclusive. then there is a question of betraying that sacred trust .. that bond that binds them. an experience like this. i would imagine that there would be feelings of being left out. a self examination of what is really going on in the relationship. maybe it can lead to a deeper understanding of each others needs. et puis, LA question .. ai-je essayé de partouser? ah oui .. juste une fois quand je suis plus jeune mais je ne me suis pas l'amusé. héhéhé ^_^

au travail, il y avait 3 jours depuis j'avais travaillé sur ce bug. j'avais mis une grille VSFLEXGRID sur un dialog. from the dialog, the user should be able to set focus on the tab sequence via the keyboard tab key. since VFLEXGRID is an activex control, there is a known issue with activex controls and tab order sequencing. the control is skipped. The solution is to override BOOL CGridControl::PreTranslateMessage( MSG* pMsg ), handle WM_KEYDOWN + VK_TAB, and reset the focus to the next control in the sequence.

BOOL CGridControl::PreTranslateMessage( MSG* pMsg )
{
if (isCurrentFocusOnTheGrid)
{
//
// INCORRECT! CWnd* pNextFocus = this->GetNextDlgTabItem(pWndMsg, bPrevious);
//
// Get the next control in the parent's tab sequence. The reason for
// this is grid has only one control in its sequence - itself.
//

CWnd* pNextFocus = pParent->GetNextDlgTabItem(pWndMsg, bPrevious);

pNextFocus->SetFocus();
return TRUE;
}
}

dragons d'une flamme d'été

je viens de finir de lire les dragons d'une flamme d'été. dans le livre, quelque de nos personnages favoris ont mort. je ne parlerais pas dire ce qui ils sont héhéhé!!! nous voyons les dieux et les déesses de krynn, leur parent Chaos - le père de tous et de rien, leur enfants des dieux (solateri, lunateri, nuiteri). nous voyons aussi les enfants des héros de la lance (palin majère et steel de lumlane).et puis finalement, nous voyons les chevaliers de takhisis - la reine des ténèbres. comme les chevaliers de solamnia qui ont les trois ordres (de la rose, de la couronne, et de la epée [sword]), les chevaliers de takhisis ont aussi les trois ordres du lys (lilies - les guerriers), du crane (skull - les pretres), de l'epine (thorn - les sorciers). le livre parle de la fin de l'univers parce que de Chaos, la guerre entre lui et ses enfants (paladine, gilean, takhisis).

this is a transition book which connects the chronicles trilogy to the next generation of books which makes it inevitably incomplete. incomplete in the sense that it has several references to stories outside of its own (example: the story of how steel brightblade became a knight of takhisis, the war between the elven kingdoms of silvanesti and qualinesti, kendermore! and a lot more). this gives me a good feeling that there is more in store for dragonlance fans. but you cant help but think that it might be another ploy to squeeze some more the dragonlance cash cow. back to the book. it concentrates on how palin usha taz and steel recaptured chaos.

nag birthday yung pinuno ng support group for fat people ng nakaraang sabado (kahapon). at nakakatuwa na inimbita nila ako. wala naman akong kilala duon. at alam natin na mayruon akong problema sa maraming tao. social anxiety (o social phobia) ang tawag dito. sakit ito sa utak. ito ay ang di karaniwang takot na naramramdaman pag mayruong maraming tao tulad ng isang party. buti na lang nakita ko si rob duon. yung namigay ng porn dvds. at nakakilala ako ng magkasintahan (iskripulo at lulu) na mabait din. sinamahan pa nga nila ako maglaro ng dota pagkatapos ng party.

im trying to remember the first time i felt this anxiety. i feel it goes back to the very beginning. i have this vague memory of playing sports. i was forced to play. when i tried playing basketball. i was able to successfully shoot it from the 3 point line. i was very happy (reason that i still remember it). and yet i was not able to continue because of the disorder. feelings of being inadequate. of being not part of it. of being an outsider. it was a miserable time for me. there is a voice in my head. the voice that tells us that we are not worthy of living. much less worthy of being able to play .. i remember it was telling me to just quit while ahead. and i did. :(

.. im mental ..

dragons of the dwarven depths

est-ce que tu souviens le dragon qui me donnait par mon ancien ami rivebise. merci encore mon ami! je l'appelle fiori. c'est un dragon blanc, supposément le plus faible et idiot de tous les dragons. donc, je pense de lui comme un dragon argent noble à sa place. (comme l'ami dragon du chevalier courageux huma) .. héhéhé.

it is recommended that before you read the lost chronicles trilogy. you must finish reading the chronicles trilogy first. why? because the lost chronicles is about the adventures that happened during the chronicles trilogy but were intentionally left out (i heard as to make more money) but perhaps its a good thing that our favorite companions continue to have "new" adventures way after their lifetimes. ::sob:: ils me manquent bien ... ::sob:: tome 1 dragons of the dwarven depths is about how the companions obtained the hammer of kharas. a gift from the gods of light by which the inhabitants krynn will able to forge the mythical dragonlances. also it showcases the kingdom of the mountain dwarves thorbadin and the different clans of dwarved who dwell in it. my favorite part is when caramon drew a heart on the tunnel wall with tika's name inside. cute cute ^_^ (sigh) the highseekers who continue to be a burden to the companions and the refugees, remind me very much of self righteous theists who are filled with hate.

i tried walking around the subdivision. it was 4 in the afternoon. the sun was hiding behind clouds. it looks like it was about to rain. i didnt have much to do at the house except play with the computer and read another dragonlance book. i got back an hour after feeling better about myself. small steps.

j'étais vraiment decu d'apprendre que quelque de mes amis étaient moins noble que j'ai originairement pensé. je l'appelle SQUATTER MENTALITY. this is the thinking that people who have less have license to steal from people who have more just because those people who have more might/dont need it. il y avait beaucoup de cas quand j'ai observé cette attitude. c'est juste avidité. nakakahiya at nakakadismaya. dahil pinakitaan mo ng kabaitan at ito pa ang isusukli. ang solusyon siguro ay itigil na lang ang pakikibagay sa mga ganitong klaseng tao.

bonne année à tous

j'attends avec impatience la nouvelle année ...

d'abord, je voudrais continuer à parler des panzerbjornes par philippe pullman parce que je n'ai pas reussi à finir mon analyse sur ce sujet. les panzerbjornes sont les ours en armure (armored bears). ils ont leur propre royaume (SVALBARD) qui le magisterium a voulu envahir. je crois que c'est évidemment une métaphore.

what better way to invade a kingdom but by invading its culture (its spirit). this is exactly what happened during the age of colonization where christian europe settled in the americas and colonized many parts of africa and asia. this story is written all over church history. it starts by converting the ruling class, then the nobles and then finally, the peasants. it then demonizes/ridicules local traditions until eventually everything about their identity had been stamped out completely. much like the king of svalbard who was enticed to convert along with his confused subjects. it must have started that way too for the filipino natives when their datus (chieftains) converted (under the banner of the sword) to catholicism. it must have been awkward and confusing for their subjects. their way of life changed. their spirit gone. they've become slaves to the imported culture (as when the state becomes the puppet of the church). although not portrayed very well in the film, the metaphor was perfectly obvious in the book. as it is still happening today. churches would entice celebrities, politicians, people of influence. and the masses are easily swayed. women now are being used to find husbands to convert. and boy do i know a few who did.

j'ai passé le saint sylvestre (new year's eve) en gardant mes neveux et ma nièce. je ne pense pas que je n'aurai jamais, mais jamais, mes propre enfants. ils sont petit monstres surtout le nouveau né (le bébé). do no get me wrong. i like playing with kids. but a one year old who requires constant attention is just too much. this is a mystery to me why people still choose to have children. it takes too much of your time. i now understand why they have yaya's (baby sitters). people pay other people to deal with the problems. and then just be there for the photo shoot. and then proudly claim that it brings joy to their lives. QUEL MENSONGE!!

VOICI MES BONNES RESOLUTIONS
1. loose weight (very high priority). i stopped running when i moved back to the big city. and i unfortunately gained the little weight i lost when i did. i believe i even gotten fatter with the unhealthy food thats available, the stress, the traffic, the pressure of living with family (i have got to find an apt soon) ..

2. quit smoking for good .. i have been smoke free for 1 year. i relapsed one time when i was left at the house and there was this bottle of cigarettes at my brother's room. long story on how it got there. moment of weakness. i took one. but for the most part i have been committed to quitting .. forever and ever .. héhé .. ow i smoked weed this one time this year because this friend of mine who smoked a lot of pot offered it to me and i didnt want to hurt her feelings. i dont suppose that counts .. does it?

3. study french. bonjour!

4. to take things lightly. i over analyse and then im usually hard on myself. ::self pat on the shoulder:: there there its going to be ok ... ^_^ my biorythm says things will pick up soon.

5. be more available to my friends and family.

6. as most people would tell me .. get a social life (very low priority)

7. quit living in the past .. everything seems better and happier in the past. but thats an illusion as i tend to remember only the good times.