mercredi, avril 29

poufsouffle

tu m'inspire

nom publique: poufsouffle
race: humain homme
nom réel: gael deauville
niveau: 5
class: rogue

BACKGROUND

gael was born poor though it didn't start out that way. his family were once nobles of cyre and were among the first to secretly take refuge in sharn. it was a difficult decision for his parents to take. they knew they will never go back to the way it was. they were traitors to cyre. to continue living, their secret must remain.

he was just a baby when they became citizens of sharn. he only knew this life. one of resignation. his parents tried to teach him well the ways of the court but among the things he learned growing up, only the eladrin tongue remained. he found it fascinating. but it was too much for his parents to live as humble peasants. they became very reclusive.

as a child of impoverished background, he became part of a shady group of questionable character. he began as a decoy first while the expert thieves pickpocket the audience during a street performance. until eventually he learned the ropes to become one of the best.

he became an independent thief as an adult. when the other refugees of the war started flooding the city. these were the common folks of cyre. he sympathized with their plight for like him, he had nothing ar well. he couldn't tell them who he was but it was tempting, for the risk was to his own family not just to himself.

poufsouffle then came to being. gael's alter ego. poufsouffle is a bonifide criminal in the eyes of sharn law. there exists a warrant for his arrest, for he is known to steal from the rich and give back to the poor. he is the masked hero of sorts among the cyran war refugees.

nobody knows where he comes from. some say he in league with the magistrates. some say he is but a shadow, a mystical creature born out of the collective misery and suffering of the refugees. nature's attempt to set things right, when things have gone so wrong. some say that he was a cyran refugee himself to further the propaganda and social stygma against the cyrans by sharn nobles, that is to undermine the cyran's political appeal for equality. already sharn citizens abhorred cyrans. viewing them as animals. others suspect that he is some deranged and eccentric sharn noble. either way, the law has been looking to get his head for a long time.

he was forced to live a double life because of his livelihood, apart from love and other personal pursuits. he would have brief encounters at stinky brothels nothing more. on the side and also part of his public disguise, he tutored younglings of rich families the eladrin language, as it was considered very fashionable to be able to speak eladrin. in this way he would have inconspicuous contact with the people responsible for providing him his trade.

he worked and lived in sharn for many years both as gael who teaches languages classes to the rich and as pouffsouffle the hero. he is witness to the injustice the refugees of the war are subjected to. he couldn't just stand idly by to the systematic destruction of the cyran culture and spirit.

of late, he'd seen many a youth succumbed to the dreamlily, a highly addictive herb, which is being distributed unofficially with full intent by local magistrates to the children of the refugees. poufsouffle is now occupied with exposing the magistrates and in one way or another exact justice for the cyrans.

ABILITY SCORES p.18

str: 16 +1(level) [17] +3
dex: 16 +2(race) [18] +4
cha: 12 +1(level) [13] +1
con: 11
wis: 11
int: 8
hp: 12 + 11(con) + 20(level) [43]
réligion: athée
background: criminel
fortitude: 10 +1(level) +3(str) +1(race) +1(amulet) [16]
reflex: 10 +1(level) +4(dex) +1(race) +2(class) +1(amulet) [19]
will: 10 +1(level) +1(cha) +1(race) +1(amulet) [14]
ac: 10 +1(level) +4(dex) +2(leather armor) [17]
healing surges per day: 6

initiative: +2(level) [+10]
+4(dex)
+4(feat)

attack: +3(weapon proficiency bonus)
+1(nimble blade + combat adv)
+1(rogue weapon talent, dagger)
+1(feat: weapon expertise)
+4(dex)
+2(level)
+2(magic item enhancement bonus)
+1(magic item enhancement bonus, shuriken)

dmg: +3(sneak attack dmg brutal scoundrel)
+2(magic item enhancement bonus, dagger)
+1(magic item enhancement bonus, shuriken)

weapon: dagger 1d4
shuriken 1d6

RACE p. 46

Average Height: 5´ 6˝
Average Weight: 220 lb.
Ability Scores: +2 to one ability score of your choice
Size: Medium
Speed: 6 squares
Vision: Normal
Languages: Common, Elf

Bonus At-Will Power: You know one extra at-will power from your class.
Bonus Feat: You gain a bonus feat at 1st level. You must meet the feat’s prerequisites.
Bonus Skill: You gain training in one additional skill from your class skill list.
Human Defense Bonuses: +1 to Fortitude, Reflex, and Will defenses.

CLASS p. 116

Role: Striker. You dart in to attack, do massive damage, and then retreat to safety. You do best when teamed with a defender to flank enemies.
Power Source: Martial. Your talents depend on extensive training and constant practice, innate skill, and natural coordination.
Key Abilities: Dexterity, Strength, Charisma
Armor Proficiencies: Cloth, leather
Weapon Proficiencies: Dagger, hand crossbow, shuriken, sling, short sword
Bonus to Defense: +2 Reflex
Hit Points at 1st Level: 12 + Constitution score
Hit Points per Level Gained: 5
Healing Surges per Day: 6 + Constitution modifier
Trained Skills: Stealth (Dex), Thievery (DeX)
Class Skills: Acrobatics (Dex), Athletics (Str), Perception (Wis), Streetwise (Cha)
Build Options: Brawny rogue

Brawny Rogue
You like powers that deal plenty of damage, aided by your Strength, and also stun, immobilize, knock down, or push your foes. Your attacks use Dexterity, so keep
that your highest ability score. Strength should be a close second—it increases your damage directly, and it can determine other effects of your attacks. Charisma
is a good third ability score, particularly if you want to dabble in powers from the other rogue build. Select the brutal scoundrel rogue tactic, and look for powers
that pack a lot of damage into every punch. Suggested Feat: Weapon Focus (Human feat:
Toughness)
Suggested Skills: Athletics, Dungeoneering,
Intimidate, Stealth, Streetwise, Thievery
Suggested At-Will Powers: piercing strike, riposte
strike
Suggested Encounter Power: torturous strike
Suggested Daily Power: easy target

CLASS FEATURES

First Strike
At the start of an encounter, you have combat advantage, against any creatures that have not yet acted in that encounter.

Brutal Scoundrel: You gain a bonus to Sneak Attack damage equal to your Strength modifier. The choice you make also provides bonuses to certain rogue powers. Individual powers detail the effects (if any) your Rogue Tactics selection has on them

Rogue Weapon Talent
When you wield a shuriken, your weapon damage die increases by one size. When you wield a dagger, you gain a +1 bonus to attack rolls.

Sneak Attack
Once per round, when you have combat advantage against an enemy and are using a weapon from the light blade, the crossbow, or the sling weapon group, an attack you make against that enemy deals extra damage if the attack hits. You decide whether to apply the extra damage after making the damage roll. Sneak attack damage: +2d8 (feat)

Total Powers Known
Ability (At-will/Encounter/
Total XP Level Scores Powers and Features Feats Known Daily/Utility)

SKILL +1(race) +1(feat)

Stealth (Dexterity) +2(level) +4(dex) +1(background)
Armor Check Penalty
Make a Stealth check to conceal yourself from enemies, slink past guards, slip away without being noticed, and sneak up on people without being seen or heard.

Acrobatics (Dexterity) +2(level) +4(dex)
Armor Check Penalty
You can perform an acrobatic stunt, keep your balance while walking on narrow or unstable surfaces, slip free of a grab or restraints, or take less damage from a fall.

Thievery (Dexterity) +2(level) +4(dex) +1(background)
Armor Check Penalty
You have picked up thieving abilities and can perform tasks that require nerves of steel and a steady hand: disabling traps, opening locks, picking pockets, and
sleight of hand.

Athletics (Strength) +2(level) +3(str) +1(gauntlets)
Armor Check Penalty
Make an Athletics check to attempt physical activities that rely on muscular strength, including climbing, escaping from a grab, jumping, and swimming.

Perception (Wisdom) +2(level)
Make a Perception check to notice clues, detect secret doors, spot imminent dangers, find traps, follow tracks, listen for sounds behind a closed door, or locate
hidden objects.

Streetwise (Charisma) +2(level)
When in a settlement—a village, a town, or a city—make a Streetwise check to find out what’s going on, who the movers and shakers are, where to get what you need (and how to get there), and where not to go.

Dungeoneering (Wisdom) +2(level)
You have picked up knowledge and skills related to dungeoneering, including finding your way through dungeon complexes, navigating winding caverns, recognizing
dungeon hazards, and foraging for food in the Underdark.

Bluff (Charisma) +2(level)
Gain Combat Advantage: Once per combat encounter, you can try to gain combat advantage against an adjacent enemy by feinting. As a standard action, make a Bluff check opposed by the enemy’s Insight check. If you succeed, you gain combat
advantage against the enemy until the end of your next turn.

Intimidate (Charisma) +2(level)
Make an Intimidate check to influence others through hostile actions, overt threats, and deadly persuasion

FEATS 3 + 1(race)

Nimble Blade
Prerequisite: Dex 15
Benefit: When you attack with a light blade and you have combat advantage, you gain a +1 bonus to attack rolls.

Backstabber [Rogue]
Prerequisites: Rogue, Sneak Attack class feature
Benefit: The extra damage dice from your Sneak
Attack class feature increase from d6s to d8s.

Improved Initiative
Benefit: You gain a +4 feat bonus to initiative
checks.

Weapon Expertise
Benefit: Lightblades. You gain a +1 bonus to attack rolls with lightblades.

AT WILL 2 + 1(race)

Deft Strike Rogue Attack 1
A final lunge brings you into an advantageous position.
At-Will ✦ Martial, Weapon
Standard Action Melee or Ranged weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a crossbow, a light blade, or a sling.
Target: One creature
Special: You can move 2 squares before the attack.
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Hit: 1[W] + Dexterity modifier damage.

Riposte Strike Rogue Attack 1
With a calculated strike, you leave your foe vulnerable to an adroit riposte should he dare attack you.
At-Will ✦ Martial,Weapon
Standard Action Melee weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a light blade.
Target: One creature
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Hit: 1[W] + Dexterity modifier damage. If the target attacks you before the start of your next turn, you make your riposte against the target as an immediate interrupt: a
Strength vs. AC attack that deals 1[W] + Strength modifier damage.

Sly Flourish Rogue Attack 1
A distracting flourish causes the enemy to forget the blade at his throat.
At-Will ✦ Martial,Weapon
Standard Action Melee or Ranged weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a crossbow, a light blade, or a sling.
Target: One creature
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Hit: 1[W] + Dexterity modifier + Charisma modifier damage.

ENCOUNTER 2

Topple Over Rogue Attack 3
Balance and momentum are your allies as you lunge forward, strike deftly, and knock your opponent to the ground.
Encounter ✦ Martial,Weapon
Standard Action Melee weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a light blade.
Target: One creature
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Brutal Scoundrel: You gain a bonus to the attack roll equal to your Strength modifier.
Hit: 1[W] + Dexterity modifier damage, and the target is
knocked prone.

Torturous Strike Rogue Attack 1
If you twist the blade in the wound just so, you can make your enemy howl in pain.
Encounter ✦ Martial,Weapon
Standard Action Melee weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a light blade.
Target: One creature
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Hit: 2[W] + Dexterity modifier damage.
Brutal Scoundrel: You gain a bonus to the damage roll equal to your Strength modifier.

DAILY 2

Easy Target Rogue Attack 1
You deal a staggering blow to your enemy, setting it up for future attacks.
Daily ✦ Martial, Weapon
Standard Action Melee or Ranged weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a crossbow, a light blade,
or a sling.
Target: One creature
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Hit: 2[W] + Dexterity modifier damage, and the target is slowed and grants combat advantage to you (save ends both).
Miss: Half damage, and the target grants combat advantage to you until the end of your next turn.

Clever Riposte Rogue Attack 5
You follow up a fierce attack with a series of quick, painful strikes woven between your enemy’s attacks.
Daily ✦ Martial,Weapon
Standard Action Melee weapon
Requirement: You must be wielding a light blade.
Target: One creature
Attack: Dexterity vs. AC
Hit: 2[W] + Dexterity modifier damage.
Effect: Until the end of the encounter, the target takes damage equal to your Dexterity modifier each time it attacks you, and you can shift as an immediate reaction after such an attack.

UTILITY 1

Tumble Rogue Utility 2
You tumble out of harm’s way, dodging the opportunistic attacks of your enemies.
Encounter ✦ Martial
Move Action Personal
Prerequisite: You must be trained in Acrobatics.
Effect: You can shift a number of squares equal to one-half your speed.

MAGIC ITEMS

Magic Weapon (Dagger) Level 6
A basic enchanted weapon.
Lvl 6 +2 1,800 gp Lvl 21 +5 225,000 gp
Weapon: Light Blade
Enhancement: Attack rolls and damage rolls
Critical: +2d6 damage

Gauntlets of Ogre Power Level 5
These oversized armored gloves increase your strength and can be activated to increase your damage.
Item Slot: Hands 1,000 gp
Property: Gain a +1 item bonus to Athletics checks and Strength ability checks (but not Strength attacks).
Power (Daily): Free Action. Use this power when you hit with a melee attack. Add a +5 power bonus to the damage roll.

Thunderburst Weapon (Shuriken) Level 4+
Suddenly, the projectile explodes in a burst of violent sound.
Lvl 4 +1 840 gp Lvl 19 +4 105,000 gp
Weapon: Any ranged
Enhancement: Attack rolls and damage rolls
Critical: +1d6 thunder damage per plus
Power (Daily ✦ Thunder): Minor Action. The next ranged basic attack you make with this weapon before the end of your turn becomes a burst 1 centered on the target. Use
your normal attack bonus for the basic attack, but against Fortitude. Each target hit takes thunder damage equal to the normal damage you would deal with a ranged basic
attack with the weapon.

Amulet of Health Level 3+
This golden amulet increases your defenses and resists poison.
Lvl 3 +1 680 gp Lvl 18 +4 85,000 gp
Item Slot: Neck
Enhancement: Fortitude, Reflex, and Will
Property: Gain resist 5 poison.

2 Potions of Healing Level 5
This simple potion draws on the body’s natural healing ability to cure your wounds.
Potion 50 gp
Power (Consumable ✦ Healing): Minor Action. Drink this
potion and spend a healing surge. Instead of the hit points you would normally regain, you regain 10 hit points.

ITEMS

Black leather armor +2(Armor bonus) 25 gp
Standard adventurer’s kit 15 gp
Backpack (empty) 2 gp
Bedroll 1 sp
Flint and steel 1 gp
Pouch, belt 1 gp
Rations, trail (10 days) 5 gp
Rope, hempen (50 ft.) 1 gp
Sunrods (2) 4 gp
Waterskin 1 gp
Thieves’ tools 20 gp
Climber’s kit 2 gp
Grappling hook 1 gp
Hammer 5 sp
Pitons (10) 5 sp
A dark blue mask made of leather to hide his true identity ?gp

dimanche, avril 26

pourquoi darwin est indispensable

i was browsing thru youtube and found this lecture which promotes michael shermer's book why darwin matters. il discute la guerre entre la religion et le science. la créationisme vs l'evolution. les mensonges qui sont perpétués par chrétiens. qu'est-ce que la theorie de dessein intelligent? comment ça marche? the god of the gaps argument ..

1. x looks designed
2. i can't think of how x was designed naturally
3. therefore x was designed supernaturally

samedi, avril 25

understanding darwin

SNIP .. understanding darwin. a conversation with Dr. Steve Jones (evolutionary biologist and geneticist). two hundred years after charles darwin’s birth, his idea of natural selection – that all life belongs to one family – has been widely accepted by the scientific community.

Saturday, 25 April 2009, 4:30 – 6:00 PM
The Forum, 3/F Fully Booked,
Bonifacio High St.
Bonifacio Global City, Taguig

hier soir, j'ai fumé du joint et je m'a redemandé pourquoi est-il illégal? the weather was erratic. thunder clouds formed but fortunately it didn't rain. my regular buddy to the science forum bailed out. i felt maybe i should just pass this one. i am glad that i went. i saw some familiar faces from the free thinkers group. walang cute .. héhé

the room was packed. the audience was given a small piece of paper where we could write our questions on. there were interesting questions posted to the good doctor and he was happy to oblige: is there a difference in IQ between the races (white vs yellow, brown, black etc)? what about between man and woman? what could be the evolutionary advantage of homosexuality which continue to persist in animals? he discussed briefly natural selection as the mechanism of evolution. how sometimes an evolutionary explanation is not necessary to let's say how we treat our fellow human beings. another interesting question is how endemism such as the philippines come about?

science does not have the answer for everything such as how life came about (but who does? creation superstition - ne me fait pas rire). when it does have an answer. it is going to be based on facts and reason.

the forum was brief. but i think it ended on a hopeful note. i did not know for example that natural history is not taught in the philippines. i do not think the government even considers it a priority to teach it in schools. this exacerbates the problem and explains why (most?) filipinoes remain very superstitious or are against the fact of evolution without probably uderstanding what it is (despite the catholic pope having issued an official accordance).

enters café scientifique. they're building the first of its kind in the country, a real science museum!! yehey ^_^

jeudi, avril 23

baiser léger

i was able to draw this weekend. i like the intensity in her eyes.

pourrais-je te baiser (puede bang pa kiss)? j'ai posé maladroitement la question et tu me laisse. nous nous sommmes embrassé. tu étais si beau. tes lèvres étaient si douces. ton corps était à coté du mien. rien a existé sauf notre baiser léger. ça fait mon jour et pour ça, je suis profondément reconnaissant.

je vais parler de notre amitié. i am glad that we talked about boundaries. when two people get together i thought that no words were needed. i thought it was already a given. dating is a way for me to get to know the person more. to know if we have the same goals. or at the most, if we value the same things. si tu aimes le science comme tant que j'en aime.

i would try to put it in my terms. naive i maybe. when two people are going out and if i deeply like someone. i automatically become exclusive to that person without being asked. going out with someone else at this point would be a waste of my time. as i originally thought.

but as many people turns out, do not share this ideal. i understand the concept that we should not box ourselves. that what i have, or what i will in the future, will never be a marraige. the dynamics of kindred relationships is not bound by traditional human values. but i ask why not? why couldn't kindred commit themselves to each other? -- because we would be living a lie as humans do .. depressing thought. :(

i am also aware of the difference between love and need. the importance of being "free" despite being in a commmitted relationship. i know that there will always be a need that the people inside the relationship could not provide for each other. but is this a license to look for them from someone else? -- maybe it is if we meant for love to be free ..

qu'est-ce que tu fais max? n'est-ce pas trop dangereux pour toi? n'oublie jamais que ton coeur est fragile. prend soin de toi. t'es en train de tomber en amoureaux avec moradin mais peut-être c'est juste un rebound. comment est-ce qu'on sait quand quelque chose est un rebound? t'es confondu. pour maintenant. sois content que tu pourrais tenir sa main douce, baise ses lèvres, regardes son beau visage, un visage qui appartient un ange .. comme qui dirait (sigh)

tes pensées?

mercredi, avril 22

échapper

j'ai eu une semaine épuisante. je me suis occupé de faire des demandes pour SQL server. j'ai obtenu des données de plusieurs tables. 5 ou 6 tables. imagine ça. c'est un peu difficile surtout pour moi qui est un debutant dans le développement de base de donnees.

début cette semaine, un ami intime est parti pour de bon ou assez la compagnie l'a demandé de partir. il était le gars qui je pourrais parler des stratégies de DOTA et aussi de nos problèmes au travail. un bon gars. je ne suis pas exactement certain ce que s'est passé. je savais qu'il avait des ennuis et qu'il était sous délibération. mais je ne pense pas qu'il arrivera comme ça. c'est juste sans précédent. et en mai, peut-être il serait mon tour. inefficace je ne suis pas.

et je viens d'entendre qu'un autre gars va partir le mois prochaine. c'est très mauvais nouvelle.

je suis un peu deçu parce que ça fait deux ou trois semaines qu'on sorti (alors, pas exactement) et je me sens que ça ne va pas marcher parce que tout à coup, il y a une distance d'un océan entre nous. la réalité c'est évident. je ne vais plus te déranger mon ami ..

mais c'est OK. je comprends que je ne suis pas beau. que je suis vieux, pauvre, et un bon à rien stupide cochon. que je ne fais jamais concurrence avec des gars qui plus jeune, plus riche, plus beau. je sais même que je ne suis pas bon en lit. je sais ça. je n'ai pas rien du tout sauf ma fidélité. et je devine, mon amour. je comprends bien.

j'ai besoin d'être comme le seigneur bouddha qui s'est détaché du monde. c'était précise ma faute. i expected it to be more that what it was. there is no other recourse but to detach myself completely from it, from everything as the lord buddha has done ..

peut-être si je fume de mal herbes, je me sentirais mieux

dimanche, avril 12

joyeux oestre

oestre est un déesse lunaire de la fertilité. i think not many people know about this. that the word easter is named after a goddess from which the practice and imagery of egg hunting and easter bunnies comes from.

nous avons pris un voyage en voiture à pampanga san fernando (vers 2 heures nord de manille) pour chercher ma soeur. là, elle a passé le weekend avec ses enfants. ils ont resté dans la maison de la famille de son mari. une grande et veille maison qui avait probablement bati pendant à l'époque d'americain. ils deviennent apparemment très riche de vendre des chaussures avant le volcan pinatubo a éclaté.

CONCERT. it was my first time to attend a concert so i had big expectations. everyone was dressed up. i saw a glimpse of imelda marcos in the crowd on the way in. i thought that she had an unusually large head which reminded me of those japanese disembodied spirit heads that move about by bouncing on the floor. j'avais pris par surprise quand j'ai vu aussi les français de travail.

we sat near the front near the double bass (i had to look up what these were - they look like violins only bigger). the concert was 2 hours with a short break at the middle. the orchestra was composed of entirely of filipinoes which gave me some pride. it is not often that filipinoes are given the oppurtunity to show great talent.

but between sets, i felt my eyes become heavy. i was shamefullty glad when a set was completed culminating with a prolonged series of claps. this turns out to be a long held tradition in the performance arts which meant a demand for an encore. j'avais sommeil. i couldn't help it. it must have been because i just came from an hectic work week or i am just not into concerts as i have hoped, or the selection was not to my taste. either or all of these things could be a factor. it was not bad, not at all. but it was not that great either. i thought. nonetheless. i think that ordinary filipinoes like me ought to be exposed to this kind of entertainment. and i wouldn't mind if i attend another one again.

EXHIBIT. the next day, i visited the opening of an exhibit of some friends. it was rewarding to show moral support. some of the more memorable artworks were, for me anyway, yasmin's coral structures and jonathan's butterflies. the sistine chapel imagery inspired pieces were also good.

but the highlight of the night goes to the motorbike helmet (because seeing a level 10 albeit rare is always a big surprise) let's just say that i would fantasize about you for weeks to come. héhé. di ba ching? héhé.

dimanche, avril 5

dans l'océan sans un bateau ou un aube

il y a une autre exhibition groupe d'art que j'espère de visiter. les artistes suivants ont participé: Argie Bandoy, Vic Balanon, Jonathan Ching, Mariano Ching, Louie Cordero, Christina Dy, Eduardo Enriquez, Lyra Garcellano, Geraldine Javier, Mike Munoz, Gary Pastrana, Amiel Roldan, Eric Roca, Eric Sausa, Yasmin Sison, Keiye Tuazon, Wire Tuazon, Ferdz Valencia, Alvin Villaruel.

Organisateur : blanc compound shaw
Type : Musique/Arts - Exposition
Réseau : Global
Heure de début : samedi 18 avril 2009, à 16h30
Heure de fin : samedi 9 mai 2009, à 19h00
Lieu : blanc compound
Adresse : 359 Shaw Blvd (Près de Megamall)
Téléphone : 027520032
Adresse électronique : www.blanc.ph

j'aime visiter des exhibitions locals parce qu'elles me donnent des aperçus de artistes contemporain. je voudrais me regarder comme un artist (bien que un amateur) qui continue à apprendre des maitres. ^_^

SUPPORTAHAN NATIN ANG SINING!
SUPPORTAHAN NATO ANG SINING!

jeudi, avril 2

l'amour libre

je me demande si je rêve?. c'est inattendu, incroyable, féerique, iréel. this type of thing simply never happens to people like me. just imagine qu'un laid bossu (c'est moi) qui sort discrètement avec esmeralde. but it did. i thought to myself how lucky i am.

so content am i that even if nothing else happens following last night. i'd still have the memory of the conversation leading to it (c'était inestimable) or just the idea that i was unknowingly even in the game. call me shallow but whatever right?!. even if it turns out to be an intricate conspiracy. this experience would remain positive and therapeutic because i am not the usual target for such a thing. and it gives me a sense of maybe i am special. self absorbed AND special. ::sarcasm:: i think it came at exactly the right time when i needed it the most. the break that i desperately needed.

last night was an out of body experience for me. en regardant moradin se déshabille. le peau lisse. le visage si innocent. le corps si parfait. moradin a rougeoyé comme les étoiles dans le ciel. c'était jusqu'a maintenant la plus belle créature que j'avais vu. and it was like plucking it out of the night sky and being able to marvel at it for a while.

in retrospect, i think that i have mix feelings about it after all. i am grateful because it gave me hope and a new perspective. that maybe i am not as hideous as i portray myself to be inside my head.

i feel guilty because i felt something was not quite right. this was not the kind of love i was used to. it's not the kind of love that was nurtured for years from afar. never known. never spoken. never acknowledged. like a delicate secret that is painstakenly kept hidden. au fait, j'aime l'idée que c'est un secret. ça le fait plus excentrique. or guilty because i might doing someone harm as someone who uses another for his own selfish designs.

i used to have a formula - first contact > get hooked > forced to declare my intentions. if positive response, continue pursuit else wallow in misery or find another who would reciprocate > live together. this formula which obviously has not served me well, was my original thought of how things ought to be.

and now to the present where i cautiously but willingly partake in this novel idea of free love. comment ça marche exactement? i am looking forward to it. this is so different from what i am accustomed to. i have seen traditional love become a burden or worse a prison where lovers willingly loose themselves to rules, remorse, guilt, lies, secrets and inhibitions. when we could just as easily live and love free. true love or not. that isn't the point. it is a a thirst or a hunger for a new experience. i couldn't possibly pass up the oppurtunity to live. pourrais-je et pourquoi pas?

en d'autre mots, je pense que je ne suis pas habitué à me partager avec quelqu'un qui je n'engage pas de façon romantique. mais voila moradin qui était content pour me fournir mes besoins. et pour ça, je suis toujours reconnaissant.

merci beaucoup à toi ..