it was nice to run through old memories. the trips abroad. office politics. old friends and rivals. the factions within the office. the good old times. i have been to several companies. nothing has compared to how fun and great it was to work there. i had friends and we would go to greenbelt to hang out. walk along ayala to EDSA going home. we were gods. far from what i am getting in the present. i must admit it i have never been so humiliated.
we asked ourselves rob's the back in time question. what will we do had we knowledge of the future and then we came back to the past. what will we do to change things. for me i would have been a much happier person. i would have seeked people i knew now and tried to help them. it would have been nice to have been able to help them. i mean. of course this has nothing to do with weserv so it doesn't count.
the place we hanged out in was new. old swiss inn behind manila peninsula. i'd come back there when/if i could. they served fondue. (what is a fondue anyway? un plat au fromage) the place was a bit more expensive than i am used to but we only live once right? and besides rob and aris were paying :p
before coming to the reunion i had a quick side trip to the mall to run some errands for taz. for some reason doing things for the person i like gives me pleasure. but it finally hit me during dinner. this was going nowhere. i should stop whatever this is. it's not working for me. the sex was indeed a good thing but i hate to admit it. it is time to let this go.
i could not stand it when taz ignores me. comme je n'existe pas. this is not just me imagining things. i know this for a fact by the way taz steer clears of my direction. or even when we were together and taz would be somewhere else. the conversation turning stale as if there was no connection at all between us. at first i thought it was part of the game that we are forced to play to put up appearances but now i think it is what it is. et puis, j'ai découvert qu'il est sorti avec quelqu'un. it's crazy because i don't have any right to feel this way. and yet i do. betrayed. pourquoi en secret? wala kang K max. ok?
i am still struggling with the concept of free love where i find myself obviously burdened by it. maybe because i need to acknowledge that i am at a loosing end at this. being emotionally unavailable and i am the exact opposite. i made myself too available. i could not think of anything else. waking up. during the day. when i am about to sleep. i am obsessed. i thought i'd be fine giving it out without requiring a response. but the fact is the response had always been. a BIG FAT NO.
turns out i am not really up for it. so the pursuit ends here. sometimes i worry for taz. that i'd like to feel needed. that i am there to take care of taz. i'd still care of course and i will help when i can. it is not a switch that i could just turn on and off. in fact, i still genuinely care for all the others. but i have to think of myself too. je me sens que le vaisseu-mère approche. why give love to someone who doesn't need it right?